You Know That Feeling...

Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel happy. Nothing horrible or terrible is going on, just a lot of weight from the last few weeks is finally catching up to me.

Last night when I was laying in bed (I couldn't sleep) I kept thinking about my dreams of having more children. I cherish Madilynn more than life itself. She is a beautiful person. A person that I formed inside of my body for 37 weeks and 4 days. A person that I ate healthier, walked more, drank more water & generally changed my lifestyle to a healthier one in order to perserve her fragile little life until she was strong enough to come out.

As we've battled with her weight and health issues in the past few months I've found myself in tears more than I'd like to admit. I keep thinking about how I did everything right. I took my prenatals, I ate healthier, I stayed away from sushi, alcohol, smoking, drugs. I didn't do anything 'crazy' or wild. I didn't give into my #1 craving of riding a roller coaster. I protected her life because I cared so much about it. Now she is having health problems and I have a hard time coping with that.

I feel jealous of women who did these terrible things to their bodies (think "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC) and still managed to have happy, healthy bundles of joy. Not that I would ever wish illness or disease on another...but I'm jealous that they are given these great healthy babies while Matt & I struggle an uphill battle with Madi's weight and eating.

"Failure To Thrive" dances in my head all the time. It's a diagnosis that I researched and found time and timeandtimeandtime again about poor countries, 3rd world, where mothers COULDN'T provide for their children.

But we CAN and we DO provide for our daughter. We have her on a high calorie supplement to make her gain weight. It's working, and it's wonderful. But why can't she gain weight without it? What is wrong? It bothers me 24/7 to think that something is wrong but we don't know what it is.

I want to have more kids. Madi is precious and lively and wonderful and I want more kids. I don't know if we will ever have another. I can't go through another miscarriage and the idea of doing it again is almost enough to scare me away from ever trying again. I feel terrible for saying that...

I don't want to bring another baby into this world to watch him or her suffer through testing or battle with weight issues. We could have a healthy baby next time, but what if next time my body does worse? My body didn't handle Madi's pregnancy -- the IUGR, the olgiohydroamnios -- and what if next time it says to get the baby out at 30 weeks? 25? 20? I can't do it.

At the same time...I don't know if I'm ready for the finality of saying "never again." And while a decision doesn't have to be made today, or tomorrow -- or ever, really -- it's so depressing to have weigh on you all the time.

/pityparty

Please continue to pray for Layla Grace. She is in her last hours of life and her family is holding on as tightly as they can to what they have left. She is a beautiful little angel who worked miracles on people during her short time of life on this earth.

Please pray for Wilson. He has the same disease that is slowly chipping away at little Layla. He is battling the same battle and needs an army to make him well, also.

Please pray for Laura as she goes through continued chemotherapy.

Please pray for a friend today, especially, as it is the anniversary of the loss of her mother to cancer. She has struggled since day one and will continue to struggle with the loss. Please pray for her strength today and for her soul to find peace with her loss.

Please pray for an unnamed family as they struggle with finances and try to decide what the best option for their future is.

Please pray for a friend whose marriage is on the rocks.

Please pray for a friend who is having a bad day and needs to be reminded of her own personal strength through adversity. Pray for her index card.

Please pray for a friend as she enters a new phase in her life with a wonderful man. (good prayer, finally!)

And finally, please pray for those in your life who may need them too.

My Prayer For Layla

Dear Lord,
Please keep a watchful eye over Layla and her family. In these last few days her family is suffering immeasurable amounts of pain and heartache as they release their earthly grip on her diseased body. Please comfort her parents and sisters as they say their goodbyes to her. Please hold her hand as she lets go and comes to you. Please comfort those who have followed her journey as they cry tears of joy and sorrow for a beautiful little girl who has fought with all the might you've given her. I know that you are there for her in her darkest hours. Holding her in her crib as she cries and sleeps. I know that you are supporting her as she struggles with her breathing and eating. I know that you are there for her family as they try to pull themselves off the floor each morning, each afternoon & each evening. I know that you are there for her as she lets go of her body and comes to you with open arms. Thank you for allowing her to teach those around her about life, love & God (You). Thank you for reminding each person who is close to her about how quickly life can change and how to never take TODAY for granted. Thank you Lord for everything that you have done for this family. She is in my prayers and I know that you are with her, her family & friends. Amen.

www.LaylaGrace.org

Let's all pray for a cure soon.

101 Things In 1001 Days

I made a list.  A list of 101 things that I am going to complete in 1001 days.

See it here:  www.dayzeroproject.com/user/midkiff.family

I got this idea from a friend of mine (thanks Brandy!) and plan on sticking to it.  I'll be journaling as I complete the tasks and hopefully when it's all complete I can celebrate!

Here we go...again.

I suppose I should actually write a real update now.

As you all know, Matt and I suffered another miscarriage.  On January 27th I went in and had my 2nd D&C.  The recovery was absolutely terrible.  I ended up having a uterine infection (from dirty tools or just air particles reaching my uterus during surgery) that really kicked my butt.  I missed 2 1/2 weeks of work from the entire ordeal.  I'm feeling much better now (comparitively) so that's a good thing. 

My OB wants Matt and I to go see a genetic counselor.  She gave the "ok" for us to start TTC as soon as I have one regular cycle.  We have decided to wait though.  We are going to wait until Matt gets out of basic training for the Air Force, gets through tech school and when we relocate we will reassess our situation and decide if we want to have more kids (Matt will!). 

We've also decided that if I miscarry again, we're done.  2 miscarriages, one unhealthy pregnancy resulting in a baby who is still battling weight and growth issues...it's too much to handle.  If I have to have another miscarriage & D&C, then that's the end of our TTC road.  We have talked about adoption, but we may not pursue that road due to the expenses involved.  There are just so many things to take into consideration at this point...but I'm turning my worries over to "the man upstairs" and I'm going to take every day one at a time.  If we have another baby, yay!, if we don't -- so be it.

We had Madilynn's one month follow-up appointment with her specialist on Monday.  She only gained 7.83 ounces in the course of a month (not good.)  Dr. V gave us some duocal formula supplement to help increase her calorie intake in hopes that her weight will go up from this.  We have another appointment on Monday.  I WANT to have a positive attitude about this, but I just don't "feel" right.  I don't think that lack of calories is the problem with Madi's slow weight gain.  She is getting in roughly 40ounces a day in formula (at 20 calories an ounce it's close to 800 calories!) and eating between 1-4 jars of baby food (100 calories per jar).  On her heavy eating days she's taking in 1200 calories!  That's a little over 1/2 what an adult is suppose to take in each day too...so while an extra 100 calories of Duocal may help for babies who having problems EATING enough calories, I fail to see how it is going to help Madi with her weight gain. 

I discussed with Dr. C (primary pedi) about my feelings on the issues and he tends to agree.  He said he is going to get with Dr. V (specialist) to see what road to take next.  It may be another round of blood draws, lab works, hospital tests and ultimately could result in CT scans and MRI's on Madi.  The radition exposure scares me, but I want to make sure she's 100% healthy.  All babies deserve to be healthy. 

So here we go again, I feel like we're stuck on a carousel...spinning and spinning...except with no pretty colors and cutesy music. 

Keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, if you will.  We are going through a lot of things emotionally, physically & mentally right now and could use the support and dedication of our closest family & friends (as well as internet buddies!). 

Also, please continue to pray for Layla Grace (www.laylagrace.org) as her family struggles with her losing her battle to cancer.  From her last update it does look like her last days are drawing closer and closer.  What a tragedy.

And finally -- if you have time -- just throw these extra prayers in for some extraordinary women I met at Community of Faith last night.

- Prayers for help finding a job
- Prayers for a mother struggling to decide what to do with her (teenage!!) kids
- Prayers for a mother struggling with patience
- Prayers for a mother to put her faith and trust in God that he will make the best decisions for her daughter and that her daughter will be safe regardless of what happens in the situation

Also, please pray for all those affected in Haiti, the IRS building that was crashed into & ...well, just pray for everyone!

An Army Is Needed

I know I haven't posted in a month...it's been a rough one.  My D&C didn't go very well, the complications were unbearable.  Emotionally I feel much better this time than I did last time, but physically I'm about 100 times worse.
My doctor seems discouraged about us having anymore kids.  She thinks we need to see a genetic counselor and has officially told me that I have 'recurrent miscarriages' and that I will be 'high risk' from this point forward.  :o(

But that's not why I'm writing.  A family needs your help, your thoughts and your prayers.

Layla is a 22 month old beautiful little girl who is in a losing battle with Neuroblastoma.  She is dying, and there is no nicer way to put it.  Tonight at St. John's Lutheran Church they are holding a prayer vigil for her.  You don't need to know her, or me, or anything about the situation in order to shout to the heavens.  Please pray that God end her suffering sweetly, that she go without fear or anxiety.  Please pray that her family can hold her hand as she takes her last breath and that she can smile in her last moments.

So please, tonight, if you can -- stop, take a minute and pray to God for this little girl, for her family & friends as they struggle to say goodbye to a child that never really got a chance to live.

http://www.laylagrace.org/

No Words Can Describe...

Well, I just found out that we are not going to make it with this pregnancy.

My doctor called me and told me that my HcG went from 1085 to 1400 in 4 days.  It's suppose to double every 24 hours, so it means it is a nonviable pregnancy.

If I don't miscarry naturally over the weekend then I have to go in Monday at 8:30am for surgery.

This is the second miscarriage I've had.  It's very hard to go through this.  The emotions that come along with something like this are completely indescribable.  My heart feels like it's getting ripped from my body...my head hurts and my eyes won't stop watering, even if I try. 

:o( 

The Woman That Tried To Kill Me

I dropped my little brother off at school this morning and went to go back to the highway so I could go to work...the road i have to drive down is almost desolate except for one church and there are NO road lights. I was driving about 1/2 down when I see all these cars with their bright lights on, flashing them at me. Then I see this woman with her hood of her jacket up walking towards me in the lane that I'm driving in. I stopped initially to go around her, but all the cars were still coming towards me in the opposite lane (2 lane road). I started backing up but right when I backed up a car pulled up RIGHT behind me. The woman got closer so I tried to pull to the left (there were no cars coming) into the other lane to go around her...she lunged at my hood and started beating it and yelling 'YOU BITCH! YOU DID IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT!' Just repeatively beating my hood and screaming at me. She honestly LOOKED crazy. I realized that she was going to try and get into my car so I pulled the keys from my ignition (i don't have auto locks IN my car, only on my remote and it doesn't work if the keys are in the ignition) and locked my door. When I pulled the keys from the ignition and the interior light came on the woman ran to my side of the car and started beating on my drivers window trying to get in. She pulled the door handle SECONDS after I locked the door. I put the keys back into the ignition and backed up as far as I could (about 3 feet) and she ran back to my hood and kept hitting it screaming at me. The whole time this is happening cars are driving past me and no one is stopping to help me. This woman from the church comes to the road and pushes the lady away from my car and holds her...so I drove up about 1/4 mile to the gas station, parked and called 911. About 30 minutes later the police show up WITH THE WOMAN in their car. Apparently, she lives at Tomball College in an RV and has a bull mastiff and kitten. She isn't from America.

Apparently the woman who stopped the lady who was trying to kill me got beaten up. She saved my life...that woman was trying to kill me. After I pulled away and crazy lady beat the church lady up, the crazy woman stood in front of a school bus and when the bus driver stopped the woman tried to GET ON A SCHOOL BUS!

I about threw up 3 times, from the nerves. My stomach is completely in knots and I can't stop shaking. Everytime I see a pedistrian on the side of the road and I have to stop at a red light, my heart stops. I've never in my life been as scared as I am/was right now.

My car was semi-dirty (from the light rain we got last night) and you can clearly see the prints on my hood from where she was slamming her hands and fists onto it, and on my drivers side door there is a clear hand print and mud slide from where she grabbed my door handle.

The worst part of all of it is if Matt were gone (like he was initially suppose to be) I would have had Madi with me on the way to daycare. Now I can't stop thinking "oh my god, I could have had Madi with me." and how, if that would have happened...I would have had to run over her...

*** Madi's test results came back in...everything looks NORMAL! Thank you to everyone who said an extra prayer for us. They work miracles. We have another appointment in one month to recheck her weight and head size. Hopefully her head growth will satisfy them enough to not have to take that "next step" of CT and x-ray of skull. ***

Also, Matt and I are happy to announce that we are expecting baby #2 in Sept of 2010. I am about 6 weeks along right now. My initial HcG came back at 1085 and progesterone of 13.7. The nurse said those numbers look good, so let's hope we have a sticky little baby!

Waiting Is the Hardest Part

It's been "5" days since we took Madi to see Dr. V.  We knew when we took her that it might take some time for the test results to come back in...what we didn't know is that the wait between the test time and result time would be the absolute longest time of our lives.

Each day, composed of the same 24 hours it has always been, seems more like 3 days.  Each minute feels like 5 minutes.  The time just seems to be going so slowly.  I've kept myself busy at work, I've straightened, reorganized and done everything I could think to do...but it still doesn't seem to help the clock go any faster.


It's 2pm on Friday, and something tells me that we aren't going to hear anything today.  I was hoping and praying that we would...but I guess we will have to wait until Monday.  Madi's doctors appointment is at 9am on Monday morning. 

Please pray that we receive only good news.

The Next Step

It looks like the next step in the process is going to be a CT scan and x-ray.  They will scan Madi's brain for defects, tumors and growth restrictions.  The x-ray will be of her skull to see if the plates have fused together too early.

My stomach is literally ill at the thought that Madi may be seriously sick.  She is our blessing from God.  Our gift.  We treasure her, enjoy her and love her.

Please pray for our family.  Please pray for our strength, our hope and our faith.  Please pray for Madi.  She is all smiles, she doesn't even know she's sick.

Prayers for Health

Yesterday was a rough day for us.

We had Madi's routine pediatrician visit at 10:30am.  On the way to the visit Matt and I spent the car ride betting on Madilynn's weight.  I thought it would be 13lb 8oz, he said that she had to be over 14lbs.  To our surprise her weight checked in at 12lb 11oz. 

At her 4 1/2 month visit (Nov 24) she weighed 12lbs.  This means that Madi only gained 11 ounces in 6 weeks. 

Madi has had weight issues since she was born.  She was a small baby to begin with (5lb 6oz at birth) and when we left the hospital she only weighed 4lb 14oz.  We woke her up every 2 hours during the day and night to feed her, just to make sure she would gain that extra weight she needed.  By August 28th when we were leaving the NICU, Madi weighed in at 9lb 2oz. 

Her weight struggled after that.  She gained until 10lb 6oz, but has struggled since.  In the last 3 months she has barely put on 2lbs.  We kept brushing her weight issues off with excuses (we stopped breastfeeding, she didn't like the bottle, she had daycare anxiety, she had reflux) but the last 6 weeks have been non-stop eating.  She takes in about 24-32 ounces of formula a day (480-640 calories) plus baby food and juices.  With the amount of formula she is taking in, she should be gaining weight steadily and she isn't.

After we left Dr. C's office yesterday we got a phone call from a good friend, Chelsea.  Her boss, Dr. V wanted to see us and he wanted to see us now.  We got there and met with him around 3pm.  He is an amazing doctor.  He took the time to explain each detail of her charts to us.  He showed us why there was concern. 

We were immediately sent to North Cypress Hospital to do testing.  Madi had to go through 4 shots, 2 (IV in the arm) blood draws, an EKG and an x-ray on her chest.  She is scheduled to go to Texas Children's Hospital on Thursday for a sweat test. 

We are in a waiting period right now.  Dr. V said it could be a wide variety of issues causing her calories to be absorbed too quickly.  A brief list of the ''possible causes'' ranged from a brain/skull disorder called microcephaly, crainiosynostosis -- a heart defect or tumor -- a digestive issues/blockage -- a metabolic disease -- a surplus or too little of an enzyme.  I'm sure that there were more, but I really can't remember them right now.  The worst ones always stick with you.

We are going to be going through a world of testing the next few week to try and narrow down the possible causes.  Please pray for Madi and for our family.  We need help.