You Know That Feeling...

Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel happy. Nothing horrible or terrible is going on, just a lot of weight from the last few weeks is finally catching up to me.

Last night when I was laying in bed (I couldn't sleep) I kept thinking about my dreams of having more children. I cherish Madilynn more than life itself. She is a beautiful person. A person that I formed inside of my body for 37 weeks and 4 days. A person that I ate healthier, walked more, drank more water & generally changed my lifestyle to a healthier one in order to perserve her fragile little life until she was strong enough to come out.

As we've battled with her weight and health issues in the past few months I've found myself in tears more than I'd like to admit. I keep thinking about how I did everything right. I took my prenatals, I ate healthier, I stayed away from sushi, alcohol, smoking, drugs. I didn't do anything 'crazy' or wild. I didn't give into my #1 craving of riding a roller coaster. I protected her life because I cared so much about it. Now she is having health problems and I have a hard time coping with that.

I feel jealous of women who did these terrible things to their bodies (think "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC) and still managed to have happy, healthy bundles of joy. Not that I would ever wish illness or disease on another...but I'm jealous that they are given these great healthy babies while Matt & I struggle an uphill battle with Madi's weight and eating.

"Failure To Thrive" dances in my head all the time. It's a diagnosis that I researched and found time and timeandtimeandtime again about poor countries, 3rd world, where mothers COULDN'T provide for their children.

But we CAN and we DO provide for our daughter. We have her on a high calorie supplement to make her gain weight. It's working, and it's wonderful. But why can't she gain weight without it? What is wrong? It bothers me 24/7 to think that something is wrong but we don't know what it is.

I want to have more kids. Madi is precious and lively and wonderful and I want more kids. I don't know if we will ever have another. I can't go through another miscarriage and the idea of doing it again is almost enough to scare me away from ever trying again. I feel terrible for saying that...

I don't want to bring another baby into this world to watch him or her suffer through testing or battle with weight issues. We could have a healthy baby next time, but what if next time my body does worse? My body didn't handle Madi's pregnancy -- the IUGR, the olgiohydroamnios -- and what if next time it says to get the baby out at 30 weeks? 25? 20? I can't do it.

At the same time...I don't know if I'm ready for the finality of saying "never again." And while a decision doesn't have to be made today, or tomorrow -- or ever, really -- it's so depressing to have weigh on you all the time.

/pityparty

Please continue to pray for Layla Grace. She is in her last hours of life and her family is holding on as tightly as they can to what they have left. She is a beautiful little angel who worked miracles on people during her short time of life on this earth.

Please pray for Wilson. He has the same disease that is slowly chipping away at little Layla. He is battling the same battle and needs an army to make him well, also.

Please pray for Laura as she goes through continued chemotherapy.

Please pray for a friend today, especially, as it is the anniversary of the loss of her mother to cancer. She has struggled since day one and will continue to struggle with the loss. Please pray for her strength today and for her soul to find peace with her loss.

Please pray for an unnamed family as they struggle with finances and try to decide what the best option for their future is.

Please pray for a friend whose marriage is on the rocks.

Please pray for a friend who is having a bad day and needs to be reminded of her own personal strength through adversity. Pray for her index card.

Please pray for a friend as she enters a new phase in her life with a wonderful man. (good prayer, finally!)

And finally, please pray for those in your life who may need them too.