Frustrations and Exhaustion

Matt and I finally went out of town together this weekend. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend with no stress and not having to worry about Madilynn -- but it turned into quite the opposite.

I left Madi with her Grandma (my mom) and the only things I requested were 1) Follow our schedule and give her a bath at 9pm; 2) don't take her anywhere without talking to us first; 3) feed her breastmilk (I took out 50 ounces).

Soooooo...she got a bath at 7:30pm, ate formula and when I asked my mom NOT to take her to church since we were just a few minutes away from the house, she hung up on me, went anyway and ignored my phone calls.

Needless to say, I will not be going out of town again anytime soon.

I appreciate that my mom watched her...but the only reason I even went this weekend is because I felt incredibly pressured to do so by my sister & mom in the first place. I enjoyed it, but I'm in utter shock that the only things I asked from my mom were completely disrespected. I don't know how to even feel about it. I WANT to be able to leave her with my mom, but now I feel like I can't because what Matt and I want for her is disregarded and replaced with whatever Grandma feels is best.

Before I left my mom said "I'm Grandma, it's my job to break the rules." It's so frustrating that she feels this way! Why? What is the point of butting heads with me about how to take care of my daughter? Why can't she just accept that even if she doesn't agree with our decisions, she needs to respect them and follow what we've laid forth. It's totally ruining the relationship I have with my mom and I don't know how to show her how much she is hurting me. I've tried everything I can think of. I've talked to her, written a letter, everything -- but she just ignores me anyway.

I'm exhausted and tired and irritated and frustrated. This is absurd. This is NOT what I expected my mom to act like, not at all. I'm so disappointed.

Blah

I just wrote this great, long post about how wonderful being a mom is, how Madi is growing and changing & how Matt is joining the Air Force...but when I hit post I got an error message. Needless to say, Blogspot deleted it.

I'm not re-writing it.

:o)

Sleep Deprived...

I think today is the most exhausted I've been in years. I don't know why, but I'm completely EXHAUSTED.

I gave Madi a bath early last night (8pm) and by 9:30pm she was dead asleep. I should have gone to bed then because that would have given me like 7 1/2 hours of sleep. Instead I took a shower, talked on Facebook & WTE for a while and then Matt and I had a talk...by the time I 'fell' asleep it was probably 11:30pm. So I'm thinking "ok, cool. I can have 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Except not. Madilynn woke me up at 3:30! She was hungry and (semi) wanted to play. I got her to fall back asleep around 4am...but by that point I was 1/2 awake.

You know how when you wake up like 15 minutes before your alarm and you're wide awake but just want to enjoy those last 15 minutes so you fall back asleep? Then, when you wake back up you are sooooo tired even though 15 minutes before you were awake? That's about 1/2 as tired as I am right now.

Anyway, I fell back asleep around 4:15, but had to get up 45 minutes later for work.

Then, on my way into work it must have been 'national honk your horn' day. Every 5 minutes someone was honking about something. I got honked at TWICE. I don't think I've been honked at in ages. It was hilarious. Road rage is a funny thing.

Just a Few Quick Pics

Mommy & Madi snuggling


Showing off her beautiful eyes




Taking a nap on the blanket the Ronald McDonald house gave her after her NICU trip.




Dad, Madi & Mommy

My Return To Work

Today is my first day back to work. I am feeling a world of emotions right now and it is definitely taking a toll on me. I knew that this day would come eventually, but I never really 'prepared' myself for it. I always thought I'd just be able to get up one morning and walk out the door and everything would be ok. It's not. It's hard and sad and I am ready to go home.

Madilynn is going to be three months old on Thursday. It's amazing how fast time has flown and how much she has grown and changed in just the past few weeks. She is now 10 pounds, 7 ounces and 23 1/3 inches long. Quite a change from her birth weight (5 lb 6 oz & 18 1/2 inches!).

I remember the last 12/13 weeks of my pregnancy as lasting forever. The first 12/13 weeks of Madi's life went too fast. Before I know it I am going to be 40 years old and she's going to be going to college and graduating and having babies of her own. It's a large step forward, I know, but it just seems like at this rate, I won't be able to keep up.

We had a brief stay in the Neo-natal intensive care unit (level II). Madi somehow contracted bacterial meningitis. It was horrible to see her all hooked up to machines and sensors. I had to hold her down when they did her lumbar puncture and inserted her IV. I was crying and on the verge of throwing up. She's much better now and we pray to never have to go through that again.

Matt and I have discussed having another baby by this time next year. We are considering "allowing" things to happen naturally starting in Jan of 2010. We have to get ourselves more financially secure first, but I have enjoyed being a mother thus far and he has enjoyed being a father. We want Madi to have a brother/sister relatively soon so that she doesn't get spoiled and so that she has someone to play with (and get in trouble with) when she's older.

Willie came on the 2nd and took pictures of our little family. They are amazing. http://www.photo-artistry.smugmug.com/ is the website that you can view the pictures at.

We moved back to Tomball (and in with my family) to save money for a house. It has been a drastic adjustment and we are still learning how to co-habitate with my parents and brothers again. There have been a few rough patches, but all-in-all things are great.

I guess I should get back to work now.