You Know That Feeling...

Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel happy. Nothing horrible or terrible is going on, just a lot of weight from the last few weeks is finally catching up to me.

Last night when I was laying in bed (I couldn't sleep) I kept thinking about my dreams of having more children. I cherish Madilynn more than life itself. She is a beautiful person. A person that I formed inside of my body for 37 weeks and 4 days. A person that I ate healthier, walked more, drank more water & generally changed my lifestyle to a healthier one in order to perserve her fragile little life until she was strong enough to come out.

As we've battled with her weight and health issues in the past few months I've found myself in tears more than I'd like to admit. I keep thinking about how I did everything right. I took my prenatals, I ate healthier, I stayed away from sushi, alcohol, smoking, drugs. I didn't do anything 'crazy' or wild. I didn't give into my #1 craving of riding a roller coaster. I protected her life because I cared so much about it. Now she is having health problems and I have a hard time coping with that.

I feel jealous of women who did these terrible things to their bodies (think "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC) and still managed to have happy, healthy bundles of joy. Not that I would ever wish illness or disease on another...but I'm jealous that they are given these great healthy babies while Matt & I struggle an uphill battle with Madi's weight and eating.

"Failure To Thrive" dances in my head all the time. It's a diagnosis that I researched and found time and timeandtimeandtime again about poor countries, 3rd world, where mothers COULDN'T provide for their children.

But we CAN and we DO provide for our daughter. We have her on a high calorie supplement to make her gain weight. It's working, and it's wonderful. But why can't she gain weight without it? What is wrong? It bothers me 24/7 to think that something is wrong but we don't know what it is.

I want to have more kids. Madi is precious and lively and wonderful and I want more kids. I don't know if we will ever have another. I can't go through another miscarriage and the idea of doing it again is almost enough to scare me away from ever trying again. I feel terrible for saying that...

I don't want to bring another baby into this world to watch him or her suffer through testing or battle with weight issues. We could have a healthy baby next time, but what if next time my body does worse? My body didn't handle Madi's pregnancy -- the IUGR, the olgiohydroamnios -- and what if next time it says to get the baby out at 30 weeks? 25? 20? I can't do it.

At the same time...I don't know if I'm ready for the finality of saying "never again." And while a decision doesn't have to be made today, or tomorrow -- or ever, really -- it's so depressing to have weigh on you all the time.

/pityparty

Please continue to pray for Layla Grace. She is in her last hours of life and her family is holding on as tightly as they can to what they have left. She is a beautiful little angel who worked miracles on people during her short time of life on this earth.

Please pray for Wilson. He has the same disease that is slowly chipping away at little Layla. He is battling the same battle and needs an army to make him well, also.

Please pray for Laura as she goes through continued chemotherapy.

Please pray for a friend today, especially, as it is the anniversary of the loss of her mother to cancer. She has struggled since day one and will continue to struggle with the loss. Please pray for her strength today and for her soul to find peace with her loss.

Please pray for an unnamed family as they struggle with finances and try to decide what the best option for their future is.

Please pray for a friend whose marriage is on the rocks.

Please pray for a friend who is having a bad day and needs to be reminded of her own personal strength through adversity. Pray for her index card.

Please pray for a friend as she enters a new phase in her life with a wonderful man. (good prayer, finally!)

And finally, please pray for those in your life who may need them too.

My Prayer For Layla

Dear Lord,
Please keep a watchful eye over Layla and her family. In these last few days her family is suffering immeasurable amounts of pain and heartache as they release their earthly grip on her diseased body. Please comfort her parents and sisters as they say their goodbyes to her. Please hold her hand as she lets go and comes to you. Please comfort those who have followed her journey as they cry tears of joy and sorrow for a beautiful little girl who has fought with all the might you've given her. I know that you are there for her in her darkest hours. Holding her in her crib as she cries and sleeps. I know that you are supporting her as she struggles with her breathing and eating. I know that you are there for her family as they try to pull themselves off the floor each morning, each afternoon & each evening. I know that you are there for her as she lets go of her body and comes to you with open arms. Thank you for allowing her to teach those around her about life, love & God (You). Thank you for reminding each person who is close to her about how quickly life can change and how to never take TODAY for granted. Thank you Lord for everything that you have done for this family. She is in my prayers and I know that you are with her, her family & friends. Amen.

www.LaylaGrace.org

Let's all pray for a cure soon.

101 Things In 1001 Days

I made a list.  A list of 101 things that I am going to complete in 1001 days.

See it here:  www.dayzeroproject.com/user/midkiff.family

I got this idea from a friend of mine (thanks Brandy!) and plan on sticking to it.  I'll be journaling as I complete the tasks and hopefully when it's all complete I can celebrate!

Here we go...again.

I suppose I should actually write a real update now.

As you all know, Matt and I suffered another miscarriage.  On January 27th I went in and had my 2nd D&C.  The recovery was absolutely terrible.  I ended up having a uterine infection (from dirty tools or just air particles reaching my uterus during surgery) that really kicked my butt.  I missed 2 1/2 weeks of work from the entire ordeal.  I'm feeling much better now (comparitively) so that's a good thing. 

My OB wants Matt and I to go see a genetic counselor.  She gave the "ok" for us to start TTC as soon as I have one regular cycle.  We have decided to wait though.  We are going to wait until Matt gets out of basic training for the Air Force, gets through tech school and when we relocate we will reassess our situation and decide if we want to have more kids (Matt will!). 

We've also decided that if I miscarry again, we're done.  2 miscarriages, one unhealthy pregnancy resulting in a baby who is still battling weight and growth issues...it's too much to handle.  If I have to have another miscarriage & D&C, then that's the end of our TTC road.  We have talked about adoption, but we may not pursue that road due to the expenses involved.  There are just so many things to take into consideration at this point...but I'm turning my worries over to "the man upstairs" and I'm going to take every day one at a time.  If we have another baby, yay!, if we don't -- so be it.

We had Madilynn's one month follow-up appointment with her specialist on Monday.  She only gained 7.83 ounces in the course of a month (not good.)  Dr. V gave us some duocal formula supplement to help increase her calorie intake in hopes that her weight will go up from this.  We have another appointment on Monday.  I WANT to have a positive attitude about this, but I just don't "feel" right.  I don't think that lack of calories is the problem with Madi's slow weight gain.  She is getting in roughly 40ounces a day in formula (at 20 calories an ounce it's close to 800 calories!) and eating between 1-4 jars of baby food (100 calories per jar).  On her heavy eating days she's taking in 1200 calories!  That's a little over 1/2 what an adult is suppose to take in each day too...so while an extra 100 calories of Duocal may help for babies who having problems EATING enough calories, I fail to see how it is going to help Madi with her weight gain. 

I discussed with Dr. C (primary pedi) about my feelings on the issues and he tends to agree.  He said he is going to get with Dr. V (specialist) to see what road to take next.  It may be another round of blood draws, lab works, hospital tests and ultimately could result in CT scans and MRI's on Madi.  The radition exposure scares me, but I want to make sure she's 100% healthy.  All babies deserve to be healthy. 

So here we go again, I feel like we're stuck on a carousel...spinning and spinning...except with no pretty colors and cutesy music. 

Keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, if you will.  We are going through a lot of things emotionally, physically & mentally right now and could use the support and dedication of our closest family & friends (as well as internet buddies!). 

Also, please continue to pray for Layla Grace (www.laylagrace.org) as her family struggles with her losing her battle to cancer.  From her last update it does look like her last days are drawing closer and closer.  What a tragedy.

And finally -- if you have time -- just throw these extra prayers in for some extraordinary women I met at Community of Faith last night.

- Prayers for help finding a job
- Prayers for a mother struggling to decide what to do with her (teenage!!) kids
- Prayers for a mother struggling with patience
- Prayers for a mother to put her faith and trust in God that he will make the best decisions for her daughter and that her daughter will be safe regardless of what happens in the situation

Also, please pray for all those affected in Haiti, the IRS building that was crashed into & ...well, just pray for everyone!

An Army Is Needed

I know I haven't posted in a month...it's been a rough one.  My D&C didn't go very well, the complications were unbearable.  Emotionally I feel much better this time than I did last time, but physically I'm about 100 times worse.
My doctor seems discouraged about us having anymore kids.  She thinks we need to see a genetic counselor and has officially told me that I have 'recurrent miscarriages' and that I will be 'high risk' from this point forward.  :o(

But that's not why I'm writing.  A family needs your help, your thoughts and your prayers.

Layla is a 22 month old beautiful little girl who is in a losing battle with Neuroblastoma.  She is dying, and there is no nicer way to put it.  Tonight at St. John's Lutheran Church they are holding a prayer vigil for her.  You don't need to know her, or me, or anything about the situation in order to shout to the heavens.  Please pray that God end her suffering sweetly, that she go without fear or anxiety.  Please pray that her family can hold her hand as she takes her last breath and that she can smile in her last moments.

So please, tonight, if you can -- stop, take a minute and pray to God for this little girl, for her family & friends as they struggle to say goodbye to a child that never really got a chance to live.

http://www.laylagrace.org/