I'm a Failed Blogger

I think I might be a failed blogger.  I haven't updated in nearly two months, even though I have had an abudance of things to update on.  I feel awesome about this.

Matt left for basic military training (Air Force).  It has not been fun to be without him.  Matt and I have only gotten to talk about 3 times but I've gotten a letter for every day that we've been apart.  He sounds really good and strong.  Madi and I are going to San Antonio in a couple weeks to watch him graduate and then he leaves again for another 14 weeks.

Madi is turning a year old in about a month.  She's grown SO much lately.  Her hair is really long and she's 16lb 8oz now.  Woo hoo!  She is also very close to taking her first steps and she talks nonstop these days.  It's amazing that she's already closing in on one year old -- it feels like just yesterday I was holding her for the first time terrified of breaking her 4lb body. 

I'm 18 weeks pregnant now.  Almost 1/2 done!!!  The first ultrasound that the gender was detectable we were told it's a boy -- the one I had last week the lady said she thinks it's a girl (the legs were crossed).  I have no idea what this baby is, so for now it's just a baby.  :o) 

Everything else has been fantastic!  I'm really going to try and update more often so it's more exciting. Haha.

Bed Rest.

Two words - Bed Rest. 

Friday afternoon I had to go back to my OB for an emergency ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech said she didn't see much of my SCH left, that it looked like it may have absorbed.  However, she found a few pockets of fluid and notated that. 

At my follow-up with the NP she said "I'm taking you out of work, permanently, and you're going on bed rest." SAY WHAT?  At 10 weeks my doctor has put me on bed rest.  Apparently, they feel that my pregnancy is at high risk and I most certainly need to stay on strict bed rest.  I'm on couch-bed-fridge-bathroom bed rest.  No going out to eat, no movies, no nothing.

This wouldn't suck so much, except Matt's last week is this week.  He is leaving for 8 1/2 weeks in less than one week.  I won't so much as be able to talk to him, much less see him, and we can't even go out to eat for a romantic dinner together.  Awesome, I'm really excited about this. 

So here I sit/lay at my house - day 4 of bed rest - it's been realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly fun. 

Also, congrats Cindy on your baby!  I can't wait to see pictures!

Baby Slug

You know those horror movies from old times where the creature starts growing and just keeps growing and growing and growing?

That's -- apparently -- what my hematoma wants to do.

My doctor's appointment yesterday was a flop.  A big disappointment. 

She did an abdominal ultrasound (hallelujah!) but the entire scan was MAYBE 5 minutes long.  Under normal circumstances 5 minutes would be fantastic -- but then again, what about my pregnancies is EVER normal?  I felt as though she didn't do a thorough job of looking for/at the hematomas.  In any case, she has a 'medical certificate' so I'll let it be. 

She did not find the original hematoma that was measuring 7-8mm at the last visit.  This time, she only found the 5mm hematoma which has now grown exponentially to 2 CM.  It's also very close to the sac. Great.  The opposite of what we were hoping.  She basically said that growth is bad, but she doesn't want ME to freak out yet -- she'll do the worrying.  I have to go back for another ultrasound soon.  In the meantime I'm on 'modified bed rest' which she said means I can go to work, sit in my chair, go home and lay in my bed.  No grocery shopping, no nothing.  Boo.

Baby Slug (that's what it looks like right now) is measuring right on track for 10 weeks and has a heart rate of 174bpm.  I want to say that this is going to be a boy because I just 'feel' like it is.  But, that may be my subconcious praying it's a boy so I don't have to be pregnant ever again.  I guess we'll find out in 10 more weeks.  That's always good.

Work Frustrations

Today is our ultrasound.  I get to find out if my hematomas have grown, absorbed or maintained the same size.  We are hoping for complete absorbtion. 

I am frustrated.  I was very sick yesterday when I woke up and about threw up everywhere when I got up to get dressed for work.  I climbed back in bed and called my boss at 7:30am.  Her voicemail was on cocaine or something because instead of saying "You've reached the voicemail of..." it just said her name.  So I started to leave a message and it cut me off.  Frustrating.  So I called back.  I started to leave a message and it cut me off.  Super frustrating.  I called back a third time and started to leave a message and cut almost to the end and it cut me off.  So I gave up.

Today, I am at work.  My boss called me yesterday and I didn't answer (because phenergran makes me sleep) and I didn't get the voicemail until 9:30pm so I didn't call her back.  My bosses boss came up to me and did the "come here" thing with his finger that your parents do when you're in big trouble.  Fantastic.  He proceeds to give me a nice lecture about how I don't need to 'screw this up' and how 'they really need me here.' 

That's all well and good.  But I was sick.  I called.  Your stupid voicemail didn't work, so don't give me a lecture about anything.  Check my phone and you'll see the THREE TIMES I tried to call and tell boss #1 that I wasn't here. 

Apparently SHE isn't in the office, and wasn't yesterday either.  That's why it's such a big deal.  "Cheryl, I'm not in the office and neither are you.  You know, we really need you at work."  Well, I would hope so...because if you didn't need me to work there, why would I have a job.

April 16th can't come fast enough.  I'm not twelve years old.  Why would I not show up, not call in and then come in the next day like "oh really? No biggie!"  Forget it.  That's just dumb.

In other news -- my friend Cindy is going to have a baby.  She had an ultrasound and they told her the rough weight of her baby.  Very exciting.  I almost want to cheat on our office pool and change my guess on her baby's weight so that I can win the pot.  But I'm not going to, because that's cheating.  Her baby is going to be almost twice the size of my baby.  He's going to be cute and chunky like babies are suppose to be.  You know, the Michelin man type babies?  That's the kind.  So excited. 

Matt is leaving in like two weeks.  I'm excited and nervous.  Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.  Or it could be morning sickness.  Either way, it's nerve-wrecking.

Murphy's Law & Karma

I'm not really sure where to start...I feel like I'm stuck in a movie called "Murphy's Law" (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong)

First I guess I should say that Matt and I are still currently pregnant.  We are about 8 weeks 2 days right now.  Our first ultrasound showed that we had a nice sac, but nothing in it.  Our second ultrasound showed a baby with a heart beat.  It's our third ultrasound that brings me to blog.

Warning:  This is going to be "TMI"

I've had nausea really badly this entire pregnancy.  Dr. C put me on Zofran to help with the nausea, but I feel bad taking it all the time because anything I put into my body will get to the baby, and really, it's going to have enough medications in its lifetime that I don't need to start pre-earth era. 

Yesterday (Thursday 3/25) I was at work and feeling especially nauseous.  I decided to take a Zofran and see if it helped.  I was in the middle of a conversation with two co-workers when I suddenly had the water throat, mouth and everything else and said "I think I'm going to puke!" and they said "Well go to the bathroom!" (duh.)  So off I walked (albeit briskly) down the hall.  As I reached the bathroom door I went *BLUGH* and just barely made it into the trashcan.  Lucky me.  I puked a total of 6 times.  Gross.

I went back to my desk and continued on my day.  I had to do literature for the company I worked for so I trekked across the parking lot and pulled all the books and stuff I would need down.  Walked back to my desk, sorted them, carried them to the warehouse.  When I got back to my desk I started feeling kind of crampy.  Owwww, ouch.  So I went to the bathroom (skip this part if you don't like it) and there it was, blood.  Fantastic.  This is exactly what we were hoping WOULDN'T happen, especially since this is our FOURTH pregnancy.

I left at my normally scheduled time and decided to go home and wait it out.  Good thing I didn't.  I got to the hospital and they brought me back for an ultrasound.  The tech kept asking me "Are you overdoing it?"  "Have you been doing too much?"  Of course, the answer is no.  I sleep, I wake up, I go to my desk job, I go home, I play with Madi, I put her to sleep, I sleep, repeat. 

At the end of the ultrasound she sends me back to wait and wait and wait.  Finally the doctor comes out and tells me the news.  I have two (2) (dos) subchorionic hematomas in my uterus.  "Go home, rest, don't strain yourself, don't lift anything, do nothing until you can get into the doctor."  That's it. 

I have an appointment today to have an 'emergency ultrasound and follow-up' with Doctor C.  I just have this pit of my stomach feeling that it's not going to be good. 

My research on SCH's (that's what the web lingo calls them) is that it's 50/50 chance of miscarriage.  Lot's of women are lucky enough to have them completely absorb into their uterine walls and go on to have perfectly normal, healthy pregnancies.  Some women experience loss up to about the 14th week.  Some experience loss up to the 24th week.  Some experience pre-term labor between 24-28 weeks.  Some experience full-term, healthy babies and have the hematoma's the entire pregnancy. 

I'm terrified of two things - 
1) late term loss.  I don't know that I could do it, recuperate, breathe, move, go on.
2) going an entire pregnancy with a massive hematoma just sitting there like an impending death sentance. 

(for anyone who doesn't know what an SCH is which is likely everyone it's a blood clot in the uterus that prevents the placenta from attaching to the uterine wall.  They vary in size and location.)

On the *positive* side of things: 
- Madi is now 14lbs 7.5oz.  We saw Dr. V on Monday and he was happy that her weight is going up (slowly, but it's moving!!!).   However, she had a large growth spurt in length which has caused her growth to move downward on the charts creating a 'dip' or 'nonlinear' curve.  We have weekly appointments from here on out to monitor her growth. 
- I had my investigation with CPS.  The women I was interviewed by were VERY nice and seemed to understand why I was so appalled by the investigation in the first place.  Whoever reported us even gave them this blog!  I am still very upset that someone who "knows" us would report us to CPS, especially with the allegations that they did.  Clearly, we love Madi very much and would give ANYTHING to make sure she was taken care of appropriately. 
- My last day at my job is coming up quickly.  I have had to take too much time off between this pregnancy, my last miscarriage & Madi's health issues, so Matt and I decided that in order to make it easier I am going to be a "stay at home mom."  What a great and rewarding job!!!

And finally, a note:

Dear CPS reporter (who fradulently contacted CPS and made false allegations to a government agency knowingly),

I would think twice before doing that again.  Not only do you cause a mass of inconvienence in the lives of the people you 'reported' but you also cause an uncalled for investigation for CPS.  This takes up their precious time where they could be out investigating people who really do deserve it like child abusers, molesters & neglecters. 

I would like to say too, I really hope that karma DOES exist.

Sick Family, Sick Baby, New baby

This week has been so stressful. Strike that. This YEAR has been so stressful.


I haven't updated in a while because a lot has been going on. My Uncle T-Dan had a heart attack about two weeks ago. He was in CCU at Memorial Hermann for 3 days before finally being released with a brand new stint. He was complaining of headaches at the hospital, but the Dr's and nurses didn't bother to run an MRI (or even an EKG) before releasing him. He spent 4 nights at my parent's house. On Saturday morning when I woke up I went downstairs and he did not look like he was feeling well. My mom told me that he had been having massive headaches since Tuesday. My little brain went *click* and I remembered reading in high school that heart attacks and strokes occasionally go hand in hand due to the blood thinning they have to do. I researched it on google to be sure, but yes, headaches after a stint surgery (or any surgery) usually means either a blood clot in the brain, or a bleed (stroke). I told my mom my suspicions. She called my Aunt L who called her friend (a cardiologist) who agreed and off we all went to the ER get him checked.
He had been having a stroke!
He was transferred via ambulance to St. Lukes and was in the ICU for 4 days. He's released now (and thankfully didn't have to have brain surgery to repair the bleed) and is at home resting.


Monday Matt and I had a million running around things to do. Doctor's appointments and more. Madi weighs 14lb 3 ounces at 8 months (exactly). Not so good on the weight, but at least it's still 'linear'.


I had my ultrasound with Dr. C. There is a sac. A beautiful little sac measuring right where it should be. No baby is growing inside (yet!) but I have a corpous luteum (spelling, ugh) cyst on my right ovary that is 2 centimeters long. That's a great thing. It means that my body is doing everything it can to maintain this new pregnancy. (that's right, NEW pregnancy). We aren't going to tell anyone (except you, clearly) until we've seen a heartbeat. I weigh 138lbs. Massive. I didn't weigh that much until I was 1/2 done baking Madi. I'm going to be HUGE this time around. Yipes.


Matt didn't leave for basic. Ughhhhhhhh. He is scheduled (set in stone) for April 20th.


This contains information about Madi getting sick that you are most likely not going to want to read. If you read this and say "that is really gross, why would she share that?" I'm going to laugh in your face, because this is 'fair warning' that you DON'T want to know what I'm about to write, but I'm writing it anyway because this is my blog.


Tuesday (yesterday) morning I woke up to get ready for work. I got all dressed up and started to wake up Madi to get her ready to go. Usually in the morning Madi is chipper and happy...yesterday she was not. I noted when I woke her up that she felt warm, but assumed it was "blanket fever" (when you're asleep your body temp naturally rises, especially when covered up). After I woke her up I noticed that she just wasn't acting right. I took her temp and it was 100.5. That's not too terribly alarming, but it was enough for me to say that I wasn't going into work. As the morning progressed Madi got worse and worse. I gave her 1/2 a glycerin tablet to help get "things" moving and about 30 minutes later Madi started having diarrhea. She immediately started getting much, much warmer. Her fever was 101.2. She stopped responding to my voice. She just layed in my arms and wimpered. I knew something was wrong. She would wake up for about 3-5 minutes and smile, play, laugh but then crash again and just cry. I took her to Texas Children's Hospital were we waiting endlessly. They found nothing. She developed a rash on her stomach. We went home.


By the time we arrived home she was warm again. 99.5, 30 minutes later 100.4, 30 minutes later 101.4. I gave her some motrin. The diarrhea started again, but this time it was awful. Madi cried everytime she had it and it was no longer poop, but mucous. My poor baby.


She slept terrible last night. I'm at work, but I really want to go home and spend time with her and make sure she is ok. It's 8am and she's still asleep...this is very much not like Madi. I'm worried about her.

Things Can Change...

Yesterday my mom and I met at 24 hour fitness to work out. I love spending time with her, I feel like we finally have a good relationship, which has been a long time coming.
On the way home we talked about a bunch of different things, but one of our topics was my Aunt D. She has stage IV breast cancer. She's already had a full masectomy (spelling, sorry, I'm tired...) and the cancer has been persistant through it all.

I can't imagine how it feels to be a sister to someone who is inevitably dying. I know it's harsh to say, but once cancer reaches a certain stage and they've 'done all they can' the next step is basically to wait for God to "bring me home." She's still undergoing chemotherapy right now, so there IS hope for her, but it definitely *seems* hopeless after so many years of battling it and it getting progressively worse. My poor Aunt D. I am praying for you.

When we got home from the gym last night my mom recieved a phone call from my Aunt Lois. My Uncle T-Dan had a heart attack, we needed to go to the hospital ASAP. My mom and brother rushed out to Memorial Hermann, I was following but a little more slowly (plus, I had to pack a diaper bag first!). On the way there my brother calls and tells me that he is in critical care at the heart and vascular center. My heart broke into a thousand pieces.

We waited for so many hours before we could finally see him. A few brief moments and we were ushered out by nurses needing to fix his cathedar. He seems in good spirits (and as fiesty as ever), so that was uplifting and definitely released some anxiety.

He had a heart attack due to a clog at one of the valves at the back of his heart. He was at a bar with a friend of his (who, thankfully, took swift action in calling the ambulance) when he had the heart attack. If he would have been home alone, he would've ignored the signs (trust me, he's THAT stubborn!). I'm so grateful for his friend. When he got to the hospital they rushed him into surgery and put a stint into his heart.

My prayers:

Please pray for my uncle's swift recovery and future health.

Please pray for my Aunt to be healed after this chemotherapy. She has 5 kids and a brand new grandbaby who needs her.

Please pray for my friend who is still struggling with a loss. We visited her mother the other day and talked about everything, it was so nice, but I can see it in her eyes that her heart is still in pieces. It may never be whole again, but I pray for something to help her.

Please pray for my friend who has shut herself off from the world. I love you, you know who you are. I don't know what's going on, but I am thinking of you every single day and I miss your face.

Please pray for my friend who is waiting anxiously for a test result that will forever change her life. Pray for a positive outcome, whether it be negative or positive.

Please pray for Laura as she recovers from her last chemo dose. She's been such an inspiration and a trooper.

Please pray for all those in Haiti, Chile, Hawaii and other around the world affected by natural disasters.

Please pray for Layla Grace. Also, please pray for other children affected by terrible diseases like Cancer. And please, please pray for a cure.

Finally, please pray for those in your life who need your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to leave a comment with prayer requests too.

You Know That Feeling...

Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel happy. Nothing horrible or terrible is going on, just a lot of weight from the last few weeks is finally catching up to me.

Last night when I was laying in bed (I couldn't sleep) I kept thinking about my dreams of having more children. I cherish Madilynn more than life itself. She is a beautiful person. A person that I formed inside of my body for 37 weeks and 4 days. A person that I ate healthier, walked more, drank more water & generally changed my lifestyle to a healthier one in order to perserve her fragile little life until she was strong enough to come out.

As we've battled with her weight and health issues in the past few months I've found myself in tears more than I'd like to admit. I keep thinking about how I did everything right. I took my prenatals, I ate healthier, I stayed away from sushi, alcohol, smoking, drugs. I didn't do anything 'crazy' or wild. I didn't give into my #1 craving of riding a roller coaster. I protected her life because I cared so much about it. Now she is having health problems and I have a hard time coping with that.

I feel jealous of women who did these terrible things to their bodies (think "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC) and still managed to have happy, healthy bundles of joy. Not that I would ever wish illness or disease on another...but I'm jealous that they are given these great healthy babies while Matt & I struggle an uphill battle with Madi's weight and eating.

"Failure To Thrive" dances in my head all the time. It's a diagnosis that I researched and found time and timeandtimeandtime again about poor countries, 3rd world, where mothers COULDN'T provide for their children.

But we CAN and we DO provide for our daughter. We have her on a high calorie supplement to make her gain weight. It's working, and it's wonderful. But why can't she gain weight without it? What is wrong? It bothers me 24/7 to think that something is wrong but we don't know what it is.

I want to have more kids. Madi is precious and lively and wonderful and I want more kids. I don't know if we will ever have another. I can't go through another miscarriage and the idea of doing it again is almost enough to scare me away from ever trying again. I feel terrible for saying that...

I don't want to bring another baby into this world to watch him or her suffer through testing or battle with weight issues. We could have a healthy baby next time, but what if next time my body does worse? My body didn't handle Madi's pregnancy -- the IUGR, the olgiohydroamnios -- and what if next time it says to get the baby out at 30 weeks? 25? 20? I can't do it.

At the same time...I don't know if I'm ready for the finality of saying "never again." And while a decision doesn't have to be made today, or tomorrow -- or ever, really -- it's so depressing to have weigh on you all the time.

/pityparty

Please continue to pray for Layla Grace. She is in her last hours of life and her family is holding on as tightly as they can to what they have left. She is a beautiful little angel who worked miracles on people during her short time of life on this earth.

Please pray for Wilson. He has the same disease that is slowly chipping away at little Layla. He is battling the same battle and needs an army to make him well, also.

Please pray for Laura as she goes through continued chemotherapy.

Please pray for a friend today, especially, as it is the anniversary of the loss of her mother to cancer. She has struggled since day one and will continue to struggle with the loss. Please pray for her strength today and for her soul to find peace with her loss.

Please pray for an unnamed family as they struggle with finances and try to decide what the best option for their future is.

Please pray for a friend whose marriage is on the rocks.

Please pray for a friend who is having a bad day and needs to be reminded of her own personal strength through adversity. Pray for her index card.

Please pray for a friend as she enters a new phase in her life with a wonderful man. (good prayer, finally!)

And finally, please pray for those in your life who may need them too.

My Prayer For Layla

Dear Lord,
Please keep a watchful eye over Layla and her family. In these last few days her family is suffering immeasurable amounts of pain and heartache as they release their earthly grip on her diseased body. Please comfort her parents and sisters as they say their goodbyes to her. Please hold her hand as she lets go and comes to you. Please comfort those who have followed her journey as they cry tears of joy and sorrow for a beautiful little girl who has fought with all the might you've given her. I know that you are there for her in her darkest hours. Holding her in her crib as she cries and sleeps. I know that you are supporting her as she struggles with her breathing and eating. I know that you are there for her family as they try to pull themselves off the floor each morning, each afternoon & each evening. I know that you are there for her as she lets go of her body and comes to you with open arms. Thank you for allowing her to teach those around her about life, love & God (You). Thank you for reminding each person who is close to her about how quickly life can change and how to never take TODAY for granted. Thank you Lord for everything that you have done for this family. She is in my prayers and I know that you are with her, her family & friends. Amen.

www.LaylaGrace.org

Let's all pray for a cure soon.

101 Things In 1001 Days

I made a list.  A list of 101 things that I am going to complete in 1001 days.

See it here:  www.dayzeroproject.com/user/midkiff.family

I got this idea from a friend of mine (thanks Brandy!) and plan on sticking to it.  I'll be journaling as I complete the tasks and hopefully when it's all complete I can celebrate!