Murphy's Law & Karma

I'm not really sure where to start...I feel like I'm stuck in a movie called "Murphy's Law" (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong)

First I guess I should say that Matt and I are still currently pregnant.  We are about 8 weeks 2 days right now.  Our first ultrasound showed that we had a nice sac, but nothing in it.  Our second ultrasound showed a baby with a heart beat.  It's our third ultrasound that brings me to blog.

Warning:  This is going to be "TMI"

I've had nausea really badly this entire pregnancy.  Dr. C put me on Zofran to help with the nausea, but I feel bad taking it all the time because anything I put into my body will get to the baby, and really, it's going to have enough medications in its lifetime that I don't need to start pre-earth era. 

Yesterday (Thursday 3/25) I was at work and feeling especially nauseous.  I decided to take a Zofran and see if it helped.  I was in the middle of a conversation with two co-workers when I suddenly had the water throat, mouth and everything else and said "I think I'm going to puke!" and they said "Well go to the bathroom!" (duh.)  So off I walked (albeit briskly) down the hall.  As I reached the bathroom door I went *BLUGH* and just barely made it into the trashcan.  Lucky me.  I puked a total of 6 times.  Gross.

I went back to my desk and continued on my day.  I had to do literature for the company I worked for so I trekked across the parking lot and pulled all the books and stuff I would need down.  Walked back to my desk, sorted them, carried them to the warehouse.  When I got back to my desk I started feeling kind of crampy.  Owwww, ouch.  So I went to the bathroom (skip this part if you don't like it) and there it was, blood.  Fantastic.  This is exactly what we were hoping WOULDN'T happen, especially since this is our FOURTH pregnancy.

I left at my normally scheduled time and decided to go home and wait it out.  Good thing I didn't.  I got to the hospital and they brought me back for an ultrasound.  The tech kept asking me "Are you overdoing it?"  "Have you been doing too much?"  Of course, the answer is no.  I sleep, I wake up, I go to my desk job, I go home, I play with Madi, I put her to sleep, I sleep, repeat. 

At the end of the ultrasound she sends me back to wait and wait and wait.  Finally the doctor comes out and tells me the news.  I have two (2) (dos) subchorionic hematomas in my uterus.  "Go home, rest, don't strain yourself, don't lift anything, do nothing until you can get into the doctor."  That's it. 

I have an appointment today to have an 'emergency ultrasound and follow-up' with Doctor C.  I just have this pit of my stomach feeling that it's not going to be good. 

My research on SCH's (that's what the web lingo calls them) is that it's 50/50 chance of miscarriage.  Lot's of women are lucky enough to have them completely absorb into their uterine walls and go on to have perfectly normal, healthy pregnancies.  Some women experience loss up to about the 14th week.  Some experience loss up to the 24th week.  Some experience pre-term labor between 24-28 weeks.  Some experience full-term, healthy babies and have the hematoma's the entire pregnancy. 

I'm terrified of two things - 
1) late term loss.  I don't know that I could do it, recuperate, breathe, move, go on.
2) going an entire pregnancy with a massive hematoma just sitting there like an impending death sentance. 

(for anyone who doesn't know what an SCH is which is likely everyone it's a blood clot in the uterus that prevents the placenta from attaching to the uterine wall.  They vary in size and location.)

On the *positive* side of things: 
- Madi is now 14lbs 7.5oz.  We saw Dr. V on Monday and he was happy that her weight is going up (slowly, but it's moving!!!).   However, she had a large growth spurt in length which has caused her growth to move downward on the charts creating a 'dip' or 'nonlinear' curve.  We have weekly appointments from here on out to monitor her growth. 
- I had my investigation with CPS.  The women I was interviewed by were VERY nice and seemed to understand why I was so appalled by the investigation in the first place.  Whoever reported us even gave them this blog!  I am still very upset that someone who "knows" us would report us to CPS, especially with the allegations that they did.  Clearly, we love Madi very much and would give ANYTHING to make sure she was taken care of appropriately. 
- My last day at my job is coming up quickly.  I have had to take too much time off between this pregnancy, my last miscarriage & Madi's health issues, so Matt and I decided that in order to make it easier I am going to be a "stay at home mom."  What a great and rewarding job!!!

And finally, a note:

Dear CPS reporter (who fradulently contacted CPS and made false allegations to a government agency knowingly),

I would think twice before doing that again.  Not only do you cause a mass of inconvienence in the lives of the people you 'reported' but you also cause an uncalled for investigation for CPS.  This takes up their precious time where they could be out investigating people who really do deserve it like child abusers, molesters & neglecters. 

I would like to say too, I really hope that karma DOES exist.

Sick Family, Sick Baby, New baby

This week has been so stressful. Strike that. This YEAR has been so stressful.


I haven't updated in a while because a lot has been going on. My Uncle T-Dan had a heart attack about two weeks ago. He was in CCU at Memorial Hermann for 3 days before finally being released with a brand new stint. He was complaining of headaches at the hospital, but the Dr's and nurses didn't bother to run an MRI (or even an EKG) before releasing him. He spent 4 nights at my parent's house. On Saturday morning when I woke up I went downstairs and he did not look like he was feeling well. My mom told me that he had been having massive headaches since Tuesday. My little brain went *click* and I remembered reading in high school that heart attacks and strokes occasionally go hand in hand due to the blood thinning they have to do. I researched it on google to be sure, but yes, headaches after a stint surgery (or any surgery) usually means either a blood clot in the brain, or a bleed (stroke). I told my mom my suspicions. She called my Aunt L who called her friend (a cardiologist) who agreed and off we all went to the ER get him checked.
He had been having a stroke!
He was transferred via ambulance to St. Lukes and was in the ICU for 4 days. He's released now (and thankfully didn't have to have brain surgery to repair the bleed) and is at home resting.


Monday Matt and I had a million running around things to do. Doctor's appointments and more. Madi weighs 14lb 3 ounces at 8 months (exactly). Not so good on the weight, but at least it's still 'linear'.


I had my ultrasound with Dr. C. There is a sac. A beautiful little sac measuring right where it should be. No baby is growing inside (yet!) but I have a corpous luteum (spelling, ugh) cyst on my right ovary that is 2 centimeters long. That's a great thing. It means that my body is doing everything it can to maintain this new pregnancy. (that's right, NEW pregnancy). We aren't going to tell anyone (except you, clearly) until we've seen a heartbeat. I weigh 138lbs. Massive. I didn't weigh that much until I was 1/2 done baking Madi. I'm going to be HUGE this time around. Yipes.


Matt didn't leave for basic. Ughhhhhhhh. He is scheduled (set in stone) for April 20th.


This contains information about Madi getting sick that you are most likely not going to want to read. If you read this and say "that is really gross, why would she share that?" I'm going to laugh in your face, because this is 'fair warning' that you DON'T want to know what I'm about to write, but I'm writing it anyway because this is my blog.


Tuesday (yesterday) morning I woke up to get ready for work. I got all dressed up and started to wake up Madi to get her ready to go. Usually in the morning Madi is chipper and happy...yesterday she was not. I noted when I woke her up that she felt warm, but assumed it was "blanket fever" (when you're asleep your body temp naturally rises, especially when covered up). After I woke her up I noticed that she just wasn't acting right. I took her temp and it was 100.5. That's not too terribly alarming, but it was enough for me to say that I wasn't going into work. As the morning progressed Madi got worse and worse. I gave her 1/2 a glycerin tablet to help get "things" moving and about 30 minutes later Madi started having diarrhea. She immediately started getting much, much warmer. Her fever was 101.2. She stopped responding to my voice. She just layed in my arms and wimpered. I knew something was wrong. She would wake up for about 3-5 minutes and smile, play, laugh but then crash again and just cry. I took her to Texas Children's Hospital were we waiting endlessly. They found nothing. She developed a rash on her stomach. We went home.


By the time we arrived home she was warm again. 99.5, 30 minutes later 100.4, 30 minutes later 101.4. I gave her some motrin. The diarrhea started again, but this time it was awful. Madi cried everytime she had it and it was no longer poop, but mucous. My poor baby.


She slept terrible last night. I'm at work, but I really want to go home and spend time with her and make sure she is ok. It's 8am and she's still asleep...this is very much not like Madi. I'm worried about her.

Things Can Change...

Yesterday my mom and I met at 24 hour fitness to work out. I love spending time with her, I feel like we finally have a good relationship, which has been a long time coming.
On the way home we talked about a bunch of different things, but one of our topics was my Aunt D. She has stage IV breast cancer. She's already had a full masectomy (spelling, sorry, I'm tired...) and the cancer has been persistant through it all.

I can't imagine how it feels to be a sister to someone who is inevitably dying. I know it's harsh to say, but once cancer reaches a certain stage and they've 'done all they can' the next step is basically to wait for God to "bring me home." She's still undergoing chemotherapy right now, so there IS hope for her, but it definitely *seems* hopeless after so many years of battling it and it getting progressively worse. My poor Aunt D. I am praying for you.

When we got home from the gym last night my mom recieved a phone call from my Aunt Lois. My Uncle T-Dan had a heart attack, we needed to go to the hospital ASAP. My mom and brother rushed out to Memorial Hermann, I was following but a little more slowly (plus, I had to pack a diaper bag first!). On the way there my brother calls and tells me that he is in critical care at the heart and vascular center. My heart broke into a thousand pieces.

We waited for so many hours before we could finally see him. A few brief moments and we were ushered out by nurses needing to fix his cathedar. He seems in good spirits (and as fiesty as ever), so that was uplifting and definitely released some anxiety.

He had a heart attack due to a clog at one of the valves at the back of his heart. He was at a bar with a friend of his (who, thankfully, took swift action in calling the ambulance) when he had the heart attack. If he would have been home alone, he would've ignored the signs (trust me, he's THAT stubborn!). I'm so grateful for his friend. When he got to the hospital they rushed him into surgery and put a stint into his heart.

My prayers:

Please pray for my uncle's swift recovery and future health.

Please pray for my Aunt to be healed after this chemotherapy. She has 5 kids and a brand new grandbaby who needs her.

Please pray for my friend who is still struggling with a loss. We visited her mother the other day and talked about everything, it was so nice, but I can see it in her eyes that her heart is still in pieces. It may never be whole again, but I pray for something to help her.

Please pray for my friend who has shut herself off from the world. I love you, you know who you are. I don't know what's going on, but I am thinking of you every single day and I miss your face.

Please pray for my friend who is waiting anxiously for a test result that will forever change her life. Pray for a positive outcome, whether it be negative or positive.

Please pray for Laura as she recovers from her last chemo dose. She's been such an inspiration and a trooper.

Please pray for all those in Haiti, Chile, Hawaii and other around the world affected by natural disasters.

Please pray for Layla Grace. Also, please pray for other children affected by terrible diseases like Cancer. And please, please pray for a cure.

Finally, please pray for those in your life who need your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to leave a comment with prayer requests too.

You Know That Feeling...

Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel happy. Nothing horrible or terrible is going on, just a lot of weight from the last few weeks is finally catching up to me.

Last night when I was laying in bed (I couldn't sleep) I kept thinking about my dreams of having more children. I cherish Madilynn more than life itself. She is a beautiful person. A person that I formed inside of my body for 37 weeks and 4 days. A person that I ate healthier, walked more, drank more water & generally changed my lifestyle to a healthier one in order to perserve her fragile little life until she was strong enough to come out.

As we've battled with her weight and health issues in the past few months I've found myself in tears more than I'd like to admit. I keep thinking about how I did everything right. I took my prenatals, I ate healthier, I stayed away from sushi, alcohol, smoking, drugs. I didn't do anything 'crazy' or wild. I didn't give into my #1 craving of riding a roller coaster. I protected her life because I cared so much about it. Now she is having health problems and I have a hard time coping with that.

I feel jealous of women who did these terrible things to their bodies (think "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC) and still managed to have happy, healthy bundles of joy. Not that I would ever wish illness or disease on another...but I'm jealous that they are given these great healthy babies while Matt & I struggle an uphill battle with Madi's weight and eating.

"Failure To Thrive" dances in my head all the time. It's a diagnosis that I researched and found time and timeandtimeandtime again about poor countries, 3rd world, where mothers COULDN'T provide for their children.

But we CAN and we DO provide for our daughter. We have her on a high calorie supplement to make her gain weight. It's working, and it's wonderful. But why can't she gain weight without it? What is wrong? It bothers me 24/7 to think that something is wrong but we don't know what it is.

I want to have more kids. Madi is precious and lively and wonderful and I want more kids. I don't know if we will ever have another. I can't go through another miscarriage and the idea of doing it again is almost enough to scare me away from ever trying again. I feel terrible for saying that...

I don't want to bring another baby into this world to watch him or her suffer through testing or battle with weight issues. We could have a healthy baby next time, but what if next time my body does worse? My body didn't handle Madi's pregnancy -- the IUGR, the olgiohydroamnios -- and what if next time it says to get the baby out at 30 weeks? 25? 20? I can't do it.

At the same time...I don't know if I'm ready for the finality of saying "never again." And while a decision doesn't have to be made today, or tomorrow -- or ever, really -- it's so depressing to have weigh on you all the time.

/pityparty

Please continue to pray for Layla Grace. She is in her last hours of life and her family is holding on as tightly as they can to what they have left. She is a beautiful little angel who worked miracles on people during her short time of life on this earth.

Please pray for Wilson. He has the same disease that is slowly chipping away at little Layla. He is battling the same battle and needs an army to make him well, also.

Please pray for Laura as she goes through continued chemotherapy.

Please pray for a friend today, especially, as it is the anniversary of the loss of her mother to cancer. She has struggled since day one and will continue to struggle with the loss. Please pray for her strength today and for her soul to find peace with her loss.

Please pray for an unnamed family as they struggle with finances and try to decide what the best option for their future is.

Please pray for a friend whose marriage is on the rocks.

Please pray for a friend who is having a bad day and needs to be reminded of her own personal strength through adversity. Pray for her index card.

Please pray for a friend as she enters a new phase in her life with a wonderful man. (good prayer, finally!)

And finally, please pray for those in your life who may need them too.

My Prayer For Layla

Dear Lord,
Please keep a watchful eye over Layla and her family. In these last few days her family is suffering immeasurable amounts of pain and heartache as they release their earthly grip on her diseased body. Please comfort her parents and sisters as they say their goodbyes to her. Please hold her hand as she lets go and comes to you. Please comfort those who have followed her journey as they cry tears of joy and sorrow for a beautiful little girl who has fought with all the might you've given her. I know that you are there for her in her darkest hours. Holding her in her crib as she cries and sleeps. I know that you are supporting her as she struggles with her breathing and eating. I know that you are there for her family as they try to pull themselves off the floor each morning, each afternoon & each evening. I know that you are there for her as she lets go of her body and comes to you with open arms. Thank you for allowing her to teach those around her about life, love & God (You). Thank you for reminding each person who is close to her about how quickly life can change and how to never take TODAY for granted. Thank you Lord for everything that you have done for this family. She is in my prayers and I know that you are with her, her family & friends. Amen.

www.LaylaGrace.org

Let's all pray for a cure soon.

101 Things In 1001 Days

I made a list.  A list of 101 things that I am going to complete in 1001 days.

See it here:  www.dayzeroproject.com/user/midkiff.family

I got this idea from a friend of mine (thanks Brandy!) and plan on sticking to it.  I'll be journaling as I complete the tasks and hopefully when it's all complete I can celebrate!

Here we go...again.

I suppose I should actually write a real update now.

As you all know, Matt and I suffered another miscarriage.  On January 27th I went in and had my 2nd D&C.  The recovery was absolutely terrible.  I ended up having a uterine infection (from dirty tools or just air particles reaching my uterus during surgery) that really kicked my butt.  I missed 2 1/2 weeks of work from the entire ordeal.  I'm feeling much better now (comparitively) so that's a good thing. 

My OB wants Matt and I to go see a genetic counselor.  She gave the "ok" for us to start TTC as soon as I have one regular cycle.  We have decided to wait though.  We are going to wait until Matt gets out of basic training for the Air Force, gets through tech school and when we relocate we will reassess our situation and decide if we want to have more kids (Matt will!). 

We've also decided that if I miscarry again, we're done.  2 miscarriages, one unhealthy pregnancy resulting in a baby who is still battling weight and growth issues...it's too much to handle.  If I have to have another miscarriage & D&C, then that's the end of our TTC road.  We have talked about adoption, but we may not pursue that road due to the expenses involved.  There are just so many things to take into consideration at this point...but I'm turning my worries over to "the man upstairs" and I'm going to take every day one at a time.  If we have another baby, yay!, if we don't -- so be it.

We had Madilynn's one month follow-up appointment with her specialist on Monday.  She only gained 7.83 ounces in the course of a month (not good.)  Dr. V gave us some duocal formula supplement to help increase her calorie intake in hopes that her weight will go up from this.  We have another appointment on Monday.  I WANT to have a positive attitude about this, but I just don't "feel" right.  I don't think that lack of calories is the problem with Madi's slow weight gain.  She is getting in roughly 40ounces a day in formula (at 20 calories an ounce it's close to 800 calories!) and eating between 1-4 jars of baby food (100 calories per jar).  On her heavy eating days she's taking in 1200 calories!  That's a little over 1/2 what an adult is suppose to take in each day too...so while an extra 100 calories of Duocal may help for babies who having problems EATING enough calories, I fail to see how it is going to help Madi with her weight gain. 

I discussed with Dr. C (primary pedi) about my feelings on the issues and he tends to agree.  He said he is going to get with Dr. V (specialist) to see what road to take next.  It may be another round of blood draws, lab works, hospital tests and ultimately could result in CT scans and MRI's on Madi.  The radition exposure scares me, but I want to make sure she's 100% healthy.  All babies deserve to be healthy. 

So here we go again, I feel like we're stuck on a carousel...spinning and spinning...except with no pretty colors and cutesy music. 

Keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, if you will.  We are going through a lot of things emotionally, physically & mentally right now and could use the support and dedication of our closest family & friends (as well as internet buddies!). 

Also, please continue to pray for Layla Grace (www.laylagrace.org) as her family struggles with her losing her battle to cancer.  From her last update it does look like her last days are drawing closer and closer.  What a tragedy.

And finally -- if you have time -- just throw these extra prayers in for some extraordinary women I met at Community of Faith last night.

- Prayers for help finding a job
- Prayers for a mother struggling to decide what to do with her (teenage!!) kids
- Prayers for a mother struggling with patience
- Prayers for a mother to put her faith and trust in God that he will make the best decisions for her daughter and that her daughter will be safe regardless of what happens in the situation

Also, please pray for all those affected in Haiti, the IRS building that was crashed into & ...well, just pray for everyone!

An Army Is Needed

I know I haven't posted in a month...it's been a rough one.  My D&C didn't go very well, the complications were unbearable.  Emotionally I feel much better this time than I did last time, but physically I'm about 100 times worse.
My doctor seems discouraged about us having anymore kids.  She thinks we need to see a genetic counselor and has officially told me that I have 'recurrent miscarriages' and that I will be 'high risk' from this point forward.  :o(

But that's not why I'm writing.  A family needs your help, your thoughts and your prayers.

Layla is a 22 month old beautiful little girl who is in a losing battle with Neuroblastoma.  She is dying, and there is no nicer way to put it.  Tonight at St. John's Lutheran Church they are holding a prayer vigil for her.  You don't need to know her, or me, or anything about the situation in order to shout to the heavens.  Please pray that God end her suffering sweetly, that she go without fear or anxiety.  Please pray that her family can hold her hand as she takes her last breath and that she can smile in her last moments.

So please, tonight, if you can -- stop, take a minute and pray to God for this little girl, for her family & friends as they struggle to say goodbye to a child that never really got a chance to live.

http://www.laylagrace.org/

No Words Can Describe...

Well, I just found out that we are not going to make it with this pregnancy.

My doctor called me and told me that my HcG went from 1085 to 1400 in 4 days.  It's suppose to double every 24 hours, so it means it is a nonviable pregnancy.

If I don't miscarry naturally over the weekend then I have to go in Monday at 8:30am for surgery.

This is the second miscarriage I've had.  It's very hard to go through this.  The emotions that come along with something like this are completely indescribable.  My heart feels like it's getting ripped from my body...my head hurts and my eyes won't stop watering, even if I try. 

:o( 

The Woman That Tried To Kill Me

I dropped my little brother off at school this morning and went to go back to the highway so I could go to work...the road i have to drive down is almost desolate except for one church and there are NO road lights. I was driving about 1/2 down when I see all these cars with their bright lights on, flashing them at me. Then I see this woman with her hood of her jacket up walking towards me in the lane that I'm driving in. I stopped initially to go around her, but all the cars were still coming towards me in the opposite lane (2 lane road). I started backing up but right when I backed up a car pulled up RIGHT behind me. The woman got closer so I tried to pull to the left (there were no cars coming) into the other lane to go around her...she lunged at my hood and started beating it and yelling 'YOU BITCH! YOU DID IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT!' Just repeatively beating my hood and screaming at me. She honestly LOOKED crazy. I realized that she was going to try and get into my car so I pulled the keys from my ignition (i don't have auto locks IN my car, only on my remote and it doesn't work if the keys are in the ignition) and locked my door. When I pulled the keys from the ignition and the interior light came on the woman ran to my side of the car and started beating on my drivers window trying to get in. She pulled the door handle SECONDS after I locked the door. I put the keys back into the ignition and backed up as far as I could (about 3 feet) and she ran back to my hood and kept hitting it screaming at me. The whole time this is happening cars are driving past me and no one is stopping to help me. This woman from the church comes to the road and pushes the lady away from my car and holds her...so I drove up about 1/4 mile to the gas station, parked and called 911. About 30 minutes later the police show up WITH THE WOMAN in their car. Apparently, she lives at Tomball College in an RV and has a bull mastiff and kitten. She isn't from America.

Apparently the woman who stopped the lady who was trying to kill me got beaten up. She saved my life...that woman was trying to kill me. After I pulled away and crazy lady beat the church lady up, the crazy woman stood in front of a school bus and when the bus driver stopped the woman tried to GET ON A SCHOOL BUS!

I about threw up 3 times, from the nerves. My stomach is completely in knots and I can't stop shaking. Everytime I see a pedistrian on the side of the road and I have to stop at a red light, my heart stops. I've never in my life been as scared as I am/was right now.

My car was semi-dirty (from the light rain we got last night) and you can clearly see the prints on my hood from where she was slamming her hands and fists onto it, and on my drivers side door there is a clear hand print and mud slide from where she grabbed my door handle.

The worst part of all of it is if Matt were gone (like he was initially suppose to be) I would have had Madi with me on the way to daycare. Now I can't stop thinking "oh my god, I could have had Madi with me." and how, if that would have happened...I would have had to run over her...

*** Madi's test results came back in...everything looks NORMAL! Thank you to everyone who said an extra prayer for us. They work miracles. We have another appointment in one month to recheck her weight and head size. Hopefully her head growth will satisfy them enough to not have to take that "next step" of CT and x-ray of skull. ***

Also, Matt and I are happy to announce that we are expecting baby #2 in Sept of 2010. I am about 6 weeks along right now. My initial HcG came back at 1085 and progesterone of 13.7. The nurse said those numbers look good, so let's hope we have a sticky little baby!